Alvida Sushant

First, let me start by saying that this is not a review of the movie, Dil Bechara. Honestly, I haven’t even written a review since last year, as the hard to reconcile relationship between my heart and body and thus between my life and happiness kept increasing.  I won’t be able to do that also since I could hardly watch the movie properly, in between pausing to look at Sushant and crying and repeat. And most of the dialogues which took a whole meaning after he left us, didn’t help either. But ever since his death and the circus that followed, it was like the already heavy feeling inside my heart almost started to become unbearable. I desperately sought a way to let it out and all I could do was write; so here I am, trying.

So why am I so bothered? Who was Sushant for me?

Honestly, I was just another normal audience of Sushant, and I was not even a die-hard fan or didn’t even know about him much, until his death. I am a sucker for people who smile beautifully and that I remember, was the thing that made me notice him on screen for the first time.  His smile had a mix of charm, innocence, and an honesty to it; ‘ekdum kaathil’ (killer smile), which made me smile and am sure it did the same to many people too. That’s it, that’s all I ever knew about him.

Then why his sudden demise created a dent in my heart and his last movie broke and somehow fixed it too?

The only answer is that, I guess I can relate to the pain that might have led to such a decision. I have been there, not once but a couple of times, freezed at the horror of realizing the complete disconnection and hollowness in life. No, I am not comparing my pain to his, this is not a competition. I can’t even probably think of the struggles he went through but yes, I can relate to that pain or sometimes just emptiness. When I saw him in #dilbechara, in this manic pixie avatar, weeks after realizing he left, it broke my heart. I couldn’t help but wonder throughout the movie’s duration, that if he was hiding all that pain under his smile and acting around in real life too. 

The dialogue,

“Can we just pretend that I am not dying. I am not going anywhere. We will live like this, right?”,

just felt like a dagger that went straight into my heart. Probably Manny helped him a bit to survive coz I know when it comes to matters of heart, it’s always easier to cast a smile and assure everyone that all is well than reach out and seek help. Call it what you may, but it’s just easier, to hide than walk out of the mask and answer a million questions. The whole filmy side of Manny and even portions where he shows his feelings and pain might have helped Sushant, at least for a while.

The news of his cause of death shook me mostly, also because it stirred up all those emotions of people close to me who left me abruptly when they chose to exit. Sunitha Ma’am, the only kind soul in a school I struggled to survive and Renju, a dear friend who helped me gather the courage to fight for myself but left without sharing her struggles; last and the deepest wound left by Appa, when he also decided to pull the curtain of the celebration he called life. And this is a list I hope to dear goodness, that never extend; as the emptiness, they left behind will haunt me for the rest of the life and I can’t bear anyone more joining this list. The day Sushant passed away, I watched a lot of his songs and somehow ended up crying, it stirred up the memories of all these people and the pain was just too much to handle.

Up until Appa, I felt immense pain but mixed with an anger of them leaving with still so many questions unanswered and I kept seeking answers as to how they could take such an “easy” way out. Cut to 6 years later, here I am after the roller coaster ride of life, understanding with every inch of my mind and soul, how it feels, that it never was an easy way out, that probably it took so much more courage than to actually live or that the pain or emptiness just outweighed everything else.

The pain of being left behind after people leave, always somehow stopped me from giving the same pain to people who love me, but there were instances when that reasoning wasn’t strong enough to stop the wrenching pain from taking control.

“Sometimes I feel like a reality show contestant. I am about to be eliminated but someone vote for me and I manage to stay on for another week.” – Kizie Basu, Dil Bechara

During a chance encounter in my latest hospital stay, a fellow patient who became a very close friend super-fast, pointed out kindly that, no matter how much ever grave my situations were, just before the ultimate drowning, I always had someone or something that pulled me out of “that” moment. We continued with our conversation, but that sentence made me think that entire night, about how true her point was and how such things are so evident, but one fails to notice, while in pain. Sometimes I guess that’s what close friends and family are for, to not to invalidate our pain but also help us notice the obvious, time and again.  Often it’s just a moment, one need’s to overcome to stop taking that step from where there is no coming back; I was lucky enough I could have people or interventions which made me look beyond, however bleak it looked and hope that things will get brighter someday soon. But for some, we all somehow unknowingly missed those moments and just like this Rajkumar Junior, they walked away forever, hopefully finally leaving their pain away for good and with their smiles intact.

What hurt me even more after his death was the insensitive publicity stunts and social media outrage that followed his death, the details of which I wouldn’t even get into because I believe they don’t deserve the attention they are getting. If there is anything good, I could figure out from this whole chaos was something I started realizing a few years after my Appa’s death but refused to accept. The lesson is that

“closure is overrated especially when it comes to death. No matter what the cause of death is, I believe a soul won’t leave this universe unless it’s time for them to go.  Once a person has left this existence in the physical form, nothing that you do, say, or find out about their exit, is going to make a difference. It will only feed onto your denial and only prolong the inevitable grief. The sooner we realize that it will be a bit easier to handle the pain.”

‘It’s easier for you to say unless it happens to you’- might be the first thought that came to your mind reading that, but I hate to admit that as much as you do and it took me years of denial and pain to finally accept it. 

So, my humble request to all the justice warriors out there is, if there is a person you want to support, do it while they are alive. If not, sit back in silence, grieve, and then cherish the whatever good memories we shared with that person. Come to think of it, we are kind of lucky, with actors like #sushant, we have a chance to see them whenever we want, at least on screen. And if you genuinely feel, there was an injustice done to Sushant, decide today that you will see movies of all actors without any bias from which background they are from, stop feeding into the hype consciously created around #starkids, stop feeding into clickbait stories and so on, coz breaking news my friend, we are equally responsible for whatever is wrong with #bollywood. If you still decide to hurl abuses and accusations at people associated with Sushant even to an extend of leading them to mental health conditions that Sushant had to be in, create or feed onto conspiracy theories and be the flagbearers of online justice, my dear friend, both you and me know, Sushant is of no concern to you, only your desperation to gain fame even in the worst of situations is and for that, I don’t even have pity to spare.

Sushant is no more amongst us, which is painful, to say the least but his life, his passion, his energy, that Kaathil smile and every other quality he shared during his time will stay with us and are reminders for us to be better, to smile openly, to live with passion, to reach for the moon (almost literally  J ) and more. Send in love and light out to the universe whenever you are reminded of him. 

I think the best quote to summarize Sushant’s parting views for us probably would be the most haunting voice over in the movie Dil Bechara by Sushant,

“We don’t get to decide when we’re born or when we die. But we do get to decide how we live our lives.”- Manny- Sushant Singh Rajput

P.S. I know I said I won’t review the movie, but I cannot complete this write up without mentioning the effort to create this movie. 

Kizie aka Sanjana Sanghi, your performance was so beautiful that it ached equally with Sushant’s. You made Kizie relatable and deeply inspiring to hold on even in the direst of circumstances. Thank you, AR Rahman sir for creating another beautiful soul-stirring album; all the songs especially the gem, “Mein Tumhara” will stay with us forever.  

A huge shout out to Sahil Vaid, Saswata Chatterjee, Swastika Mukherjee, and Saif Ali Khan for honest performances, which helped us naturally be a part of Kizie’s and Manny’s story. John Green, thank you for breaking our heart with “The Fault in Our Stars” and mending it too, for telling us that no matter what, life goes on. Last, but not the least, thank you Mukesh Chhabra, for bringing all of them together and this story to life, giving us a chance to bid a farewell to Sushant, though it wasn’t intentional.

And lastly, here is hoping that everyone who is grieving Sushant’s loss finds the strength to brave this extremely difficult time.

Finally,

Dear Sushant,

Goodbye. Thank you for being you. Here is hoping that you are in a better place probably happier amidst your favorite moon and stars.

Love,

Rachana Rithu

One amongst your million fans

Picture Courtesy: #youtube, #IMDb, #DNA, #RepublicWorld